Phantomness's Fanon Mansion
by shadowphantomness
Summary: Nando decides to start his career as a fanfiction character, and thus, goes to Phantomness's Fanon Mansion with an application. What he discovers is a world where all the normal rules are thrown out the window. And what the heck is a pairing anyway?


**Title: Interlude: Phantomness's Fanon Mansion  
Author: Shadow/Phantomness  
Pairings: Championshipping (Lance x Red/Ashura) and many, many others  
Fandoms: Pokémon, others appear**  
**Rating: R  
****Disclaimer: Pokemon belongs to Satoshi Tajiri, Nintendo and Shogakukan Comics. Card Captor Sakura belongs to Clamp and Kodansha. Yu-Gi-Oh belongs to Kazuki Takahashi. Naruto belongs to Kishimoto. West Side Story belongs to many people, including Lehman, Laurents, and MGM Home Entertainment Inc. Death Note belongs to Ohba and Obata. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. This non-profit, non-copyright infringing fanfiction belongs to me under international copyright laws and taking it is plagiarism. Thank you. *Phantomness bows***

**Notes: () for telepathy, ** for thoughts, **_**italics**_** if a pokemon talks. **

**Warnings: Fanon, het, Slut! Ash, lots of OOCness

* * *

**

Nando and Roselia looked around them as they stopped in front of the house. The traveling minstrel consulted his map again, before nodding. "This is definitely the place."

_It doesn't look very big, does it?_ Roselia asked.

"No, but appearances may be deceiving." He smiled.

Roselia shrugged. The door was a simple one with a buzzer. He pressed the button, and a moment later, it was answered.

* * *

"A-Ash?" Nando felt his jaw dropping. The Pallet Trainer was wearing – well, nothing at all. He hurriedly covered his eyes.

"Don't bother with him," Another voice cut in. The owner smiled and opened the door wider. "That's not Ash, at least not the one you know."

Nando turned his attention to the other speaker. She was a girl with pink hair in pigtails. "Who are you?"

"I'm Whitney, the Goldenrod City Gym leader." She grinned. "Welcome to Phantomness's Fanon Mansion!"

"Ah…" He flushed slightly as he followed her inside.

* * *

"Where did you run off to, you little whore?" A voice snapped.

Nando's eyes widened as Paul, and two other trainers he did not know, both with brown hair, came and grabbed the nude boy's arms.

"Did you go off to bother other people again?" Gary snapped.

"You're supposed to be a good little slut, so don't even think about saying no!" Green added.

Ashton silently followed them back into another room.

Whitney looked sad. "Well, that's life."

* * *

"W-What?" He stared at her. "Aren't you going to help him?"

"Nando, do you know why you are here?" Whitney put her hands on her hips. "Phantomness decided that you were useful as a character. If you want to leave, go ahead, but there are worse fates."

"Then Ash is really nothing but a… prostitute?" He asked carefully.

"_That_ isn't Ash," She repeated. "I'll take you upstairs to get your paperwork filled out. Maybe you'll get some answers that way."

Feeling more uncomfortable by the moment, Nando followed her to an elevator. His eyes widened as he noticed that there were almost fifty floors each above and below ground. What sort of place _was_ this? The buttons marked 'Dungeon', 'Astral Plane', and 'Hell' were not comforting either.

* * *

Whitney hit the button for the top floor. When they arrived, they were shown into a neat office, quite like the ones at Indigo Plateau. Two characters were busy at work.

"Oh, we have a new character?" Lance got up from his desk. "It's rare that Phantomness enlists one nowadays, since she stopped watching the animation series."

Charlotte put down her coffee cup. "I'll go get a form."

"Thanks for your hard work!" Whitney chirped, before taking the elevator back downstairs.

Red yawned. Just then, Ashura came out of the kitchenette with a plate full of cinnamon cookies. Nando's eyes widened as he took in her curves and the wispy pink harem girl outfit she was wearing.

(We have a new applicant), Red sent, as Ash eeped and ducked into the kitchen.

* * *

By now, Nando wasn't sure if he was hallucinating or not. "Was… was _that_ Ash?" Surely the black-haired trainer couldn't really be a girl, right?

"Oh no," Charlotte smiled as she came back with a form. "That was Ashura."

"So she's a girl?"

"No, Ashura is only a girl part of the time." Lance said quietly. "Ashura tends to prefer male form, while Red is more flexible. By the way, do remember to fill out the details in that form. We wouldn't want to make any mistakes pairing you up."

Nando choked. "P-Pairing? What exactly do you mean by pairing?"

* * *

Charlotte offered him coffee, which he declined, and tea, which he and Roselia both appreciated.

As Roselia munched on a biscuit, she looked over her single sheet of paper. It stated that, if allowed to stay, she ran the risk of being evolved, gender-swapped, or assigned to another trainer during acting scenes. Roselia shrugged.

However, if she stayed, she was entitled to free room and food, and time to do as she wished when not filming – as long as it did not endanger the other characters. The plant thought that was a good deal.

Besides, there were probably some cute grass-types around here she could get acquainted with later…

She pressed her flower-hand-print on the form. It vanished.

"You're all done, dear." Lance grinned. "The greenhouse is on the tenth floor, I believe. There are gardens on the sixth and thirty-second floors, and I believe we have a mock-up of the Viridian Forest on the third floor if you'd prefer a wilder environment."

Roselia nodded, waved goodbye to Nando, and left.

* * *

"By pairing," Red was explaining, "We mean that you may have a crush on someone else. Someone may have a crush on you. It may even be a Pokemon. In the worse case scenario, you will be required to have sex with whoever you are paired with, but that generally doesn't happen much."

The bard was turning pale and had dropped his lyre.

"Considering Phantomness's tastes," Charlotte consulted a printout, "You will most likely be paired with Dawn or Ash."

"But they're only my rivals – or friends, not!" Nando started to hyperventilate.

"That won't matter when you go on the set," Lance gave a somewhat sympathetic smile. "It's fortunate that the mental changes are temporary – usually."

* * *

Nando sighed as he continued reading through his contract. "If you all are characters too, why aren't you rebelling? From what I've heard, Phantomness gave you the power to revolutionize the world!"

"Personally, I don't see a reason to." Lance flipped a hand. "Certainly, doing angst stories always burns me out, but I've got a comfortable lifestyle, friends, and the cutest little kittens to take care of."

Red giggled when Lance said that.

"And you have to remember, on stage, it's all acting. Sure, if your lover is a straight-laced Puritan that could cause some problems, but…" Lance shrugged. "The character job isn't for everyone."

* * *

"Besides," Charlotte said, "Being a Guardian here is pretty cushy. At the very least, we get this awesome suite and access to the Dream Realm."

Ashura walked back out of the kitchen, having changed into a more modest outfit – jeans and a red t-shirt. "Sorry for scaring you, Nando. I was just going to take advantage of the break."

Nando swallowed. "Um, it's fine."

He did, however, turn away when Ashura and Lance started kissing. He was quite surprised when Red joined them, but decided to try and concentrate on his paperwork.

"I don't really have fetishes…"

"Don't worry, it's mostly them who do all the kinky sex," Charlotte grinned, indicating the threesome. "This is just a precaution."

* * *

"Which one of them _is_ Lance in love with?" He asked curiously. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the idea.

"Both," The Dragon Master grinned. (They're the same person in different bodies. I guess it's kind of like twincest.)

That threw Nando for a loop. "Really?"

(With magic, anything can happen.) Ashura chuckled. (Besides, I don't have that disgusting shell any more.)

"Ashton – the Ash you are familiar with in your world – metamorphosized into a highly undesirable character, ready to sleep with anyone and anything, so Phantomness discarded him." Charlotte explained. "That left Red and Ashura."

Red grinned. "I'm from the Pokemon Special manga, though I also appear in the Pokemon Zensho manga and when Phantomness writes stories set in the game."

By now, the poor newcomer was befuddled.

* * *

Charlotte dug a diagram out of her desk. In it, neatly labeled, were paths that rarely intersected. They were marked with their appropriate universe tag.

"You come from here," She pointed to a road with the 'Anime' label on it.

"Red appears in these," She indicated the 'Pokemon Special' and 'Pokemon Zensho' roads.

"I'm an Original Character, so I can pop up anywhere I please."

"Ashura is originally from your universe, which is why she is so much like Ash, but with fewer personality problems." Lance explained. "I'm a composite – since a version of me appears without fail in every Pokemon world, it was necessary for Phantomness to resort to a blend, though she prefers my Manga personality the most."

"At the very least, you won't have to worry about being paired with anyone out of your 'canon universe'." Ashura put in.

"I really would prefer being in a general fic." Nando said. "I have heard that it is the easiest career choice."

* * *

"We'll see what we can do, as her Muses, but there is no guarantee." Red piped up. "Since Phantomness doesn't hate you, you'll be treated fairly well. I doubt you'll be cast as a villain."

He swallowed.

"Paul, Gary, Richie, Bruno and Misty – all from the Anime world, are generally hated characters and neutral at best." Ashura smirked. "It suits them right. Yellow and Gold from the Pokemon Special world have the same problem. You don't need to worry about being sent to the Astral Plane or Hell, if that's why you're worried."

"The hated characters have quarters below ground and in the worst areas." Charlotte smiled. "If you're a normal character, you have a room on the upper floors. If you're especially loved – and I use this term loosely, since we get a _lot _of abuse in the name of making fanfiction more exciting – you get a room on the top floor."

Lance nodded. "With power comes responsibility, but with power comes a lot of screen time too."

* * *

"Anyways," The Fire Guardian checked her watch. "I'm sure someone will be happy to give you a tour later. We are sorry you had to run into Slut! Ash downstairs. He's beyond saving."

Nando made sure to circle all the inappropriate situations on his sheet. This was his life – and possibly his virginity – at stake!

Nonetheless, Wallace had recommended the job and he trusted the Coordinator.

* * *

Just then, Red and Lance vanished.

Ashura sighed and went to a screen set in the wall, turning it on. Her eyes lit up. "Ooh…"

"You always did have a bit of a voyeuristic _and_ exhibitionist streak," Charlotte said mildly. "They're filming a lemon?"

"One of the kinks," She giggled.

"Figures," She replied blandly.

* * *

Nando turned the page. "Will my pokemon team change?"

"It's doubtful."

"That's a relief," He continued reading. "I suppose having staged battles is part of acting." He checked the box next to the text and continued reading.

Just then, Ashura vanished too.

"Looks like they decided to combine," Charlotte chuckled. She muted the volume on the channel. Nando looked grateful.

His tolerance was good, but he didn't want to deal with sex in the background!

An hour later, he had finished his paperwork, but the others had not returned. Charlotte had shown him down a flight of stairs to his new room.

* * *

Nando studied the room. It was quite spacious and much larger on the inside than one would have guessed. He had his own private bathroom, a study, and a bedroom with a soft bed big enough for two people. There was a checklist on his desk so he could order the furniture he liked. That was convenient.

After filling out the form, he was heading down to lunch when he spotted another quasi-familiar face. He did keep up on the latest news, so he knew most of the gym leaders, if not by sight, then by reputation. "Misty?"

She giggled. "I'm Zensho Misty, actually. I'm pleased to meet you."

"Hello," He shook hands with her.

"Stay away from the hated characters. They're bad news." She warned. "Even Anime Misty can be horrid, and she's one of the weaker ones."

* * *

Nando nodded as he accepted a plate from the nice Nurse Joy running the buffet. He scooped some coleslaw and potato salad onto his plate. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" Misty looked thoughtful as she put some carrot sticks on her plate. "Phantomness tends to magnify things, so flawed characters lose their good points – not that some of them had any to begin with – and all their vices grow worse. In the same way, good characters usually stay nice and sweet, but it can get cloying if overdone."

"Oh," Nando replied, not quite sure what else to say.

He gazed over at a corner where the one who had been Ash Ketchum, now at least wearing a bathrobe, was eating with several other characters. The kid did look pretty miserable, and only bore a passing resemblance to the enthusiastic trainer he had met.

"She's a bit of a fanatic about things," Misty whispered conspiringly.

Nando nodded. Misty went to find a seat, and then selected a filet of baked salmon from another buffet station. By the time he had finished selecting his meal, he couldn't find Misty so he sat down at another table.

* * *

There were already three people sitting there, but they were all polite. The boy with the brown hair moved the lemonade pitcher out of the way, while the others scooted over.

Nando felt as though it was time to make introductions again. "I'm Nando, a traveler." He introduced himself.

"Syaoran," The boy grinned. "I'm from China – Card Captor Sakura, actually." That threw the newbie for a loop. Certainly, he had heard that Phantomness dabbled in more than one world, but to meet living, breathing proof of it was a bit startling. At least the other characters were human, right?

The man with long blonde hair next to him nodded politely. "I'm Mahaado, also known as the Dark Magician, from Egypt, the Shadow Realm, or Yu-Gi-Oh." He waved a hand as the saltshaker levitated over his plate and sprinkled lightly over the steamed cauliflower.

Nando quickly retracted his previous statement. Other series could have _anything_ in them! Especially, as the last man at the table seemed to have two heads!

* * *

"I'm Sakon," He jerked his thumb at the head behind him. "And that's Ukon, my older brother. We're separate people, but he usually sleeps in my body. Close your mouth before something flies in it, will you? This gets old after a while, having to tell everyone over and over again."

"My apologies," Nando said, feeling the aura of _threat_ radiating off them.

Sakon just turned his attention back to the bowl of miso ramen in front of him, picked up his chopsticks, and began eating. Clearly, the conversation was over.

Four minutes later, there was a popping sound echoed behind him, and he turned to see a tanned teenager with gravity-defying, tri-colored hair, ruby eyes, and a giant golden pendant necklace shaped like an inverted pyramid appear behind him in a towel. It took a second for him to realize that it was a kilt and not a towel, but that didn't help.

Nando slapped his hand over his eyes, wondering exactly why the people here seemed to be so comfortable with near-nudity and if he'd become as desensitized soon.

Mahaado calmly took off his white cloak, handed it to Atemu, and summoned another seat over to their table.

The Pharaoh nodded to Nando, waved a waiter over with an order for pepperoni pizza, which was immediately filled, and dug in.

* * *

"How was filming?"

"Bearable, I suppose." Yami shrugged. "We just have to remember it's fake."

The former priest nodded.

Nando looked up. "What do you mean?"

Syaoran chuckled and cut off another piece of his chocolate cake.

* * *

"Well, it all goes back to the pairing argument." Yami shrugged. "I'm sure the people upstairs explained it to you. Some people have pet pairings, others will ship anyone and anything, so you have to realize there's a good chance you'll cheat on the person you love even though it's unintentional."

"Ahh…" He said awkwardly.

"I need a massage later," He gazed at his loyal servant.

Mahaado nodded in understanding.

"Besides, no one really _owns_ anyone, except for their Original Characters, and most fandoms have dozens of writers. That leads to severe cloning or having to teleport off to different places to film all the time. You get used to it, I guess."

Nando had never been so happy to be considered a minor character at that moment. He was almost always overlooked in favor of Kenny or Zoey, which suited him just fine. Hopefully, his experience would be less scarring!

* * *

Sakon (and Ukon) finished their meal, and walked off. On their way, they paused to backhand an obese man in a suit who wolf-whistled at them.

President Goodman wound up face-down in his banana cream pie.

Nando watched, but no one helped him, although everyone in the room had witnessed the event. "Is he a villain?" He asked cautiously.

Syaoran nodded. "He's a pedophile and a potential rapist, as well as an incompetent President who goes to war for money and tries to have absolute power. Personally, I think he's based on a real life experience, but since he's an Original Character, no one really cares about him."

"That's… sad." The minstrel remarked.

"It's just one of those things that take getting used to. Besides, most Original Characters have one or two stories and then vanish. He's an exception, because he's a handy villain to use."

"Besides, it's not like he cares. Without Phantomness, he wouldn't exist." Mahaado put in. "Oh, one word of warning about Original Characters, and those heavily influenced canon characters, like Lance and Red you must have met. Their personalities become so set that they don't stop acting even offstage. Try to stay away from the villains. It's rather unpleasant."

"You sent Paul to the Shadow Realm for a month!"

"And he deserved it," The magician said quietly. "He really does think of everyone as a potential lay, and treats all equally like dirt. That's not breaking canon, though, because he didn't even respect the Shinou Champion Cynthia, much less Ash or his friends, although Brock might be an exception."

Yami nodded.

Nando made a mental note to avoid Paul, and the other villains. He wasn't sure how he could do that, but he would try. At the very least, he could hide…

After dinner, he retreated to his room. He found an interesting book to read, and spent the night quite peacefully.

The next day, he was called up to the forty-fourth floor.

* * *

"Sorry to have you do this," Erika said, as she daubed on his makeup. "But whenever we do crowd scenes, it is too much trouble to hire extras, so those off duty often have to volunteer."

"It's all right," Nando replied. Having his hair bleached blond and cut raggedy was quite an odd sensation, but Erika reassured him that it would wear off after the filming had completed. That was more 'fandom magic', he supposed.

"Now, all you have to do is stand around and try to look tough."

As Erika poured a vial of bluish liquid over his head, Nando was surprised to find him self looking less colorful. "What is this?"

* * *

"That's the transition between performing color animation sequences and live action filming." A light-haired man replied pleasantly. His red eyes were slightly unnerving, though. Nando wondered how many people in this place had red eyes. It was seriously unsettling him!

"You're always showing off, aren't you, Light?" Erika retorted. "Where is Mikami? There's shooting for 'Of Gods and Men' planned later this afternoon."

"Where do you think? He's on the second floor watching television and killing off all those criminals like a good dog."

Nando swallowed. * What? *

"Don't mind him, he's from Death Note." A black-haired boy with a permanent scowl elbowed his way up. "Are you done yet, Erika? We need some action now!"

"Cut it, Action." Another boy in jeans and a dark blue jacket walked up. "So he'll be playing Cadillac? Nice."

It was only after he had finished – and no one had told him he'd be getting punched! – That Nando realized that he had finished his first role.

Well, the punching had been unpleasant, but otherwise, he was fine. Now that they were backstage again, he was healed and back to his normal looks.

"Wow, you really do look like a girl." The teen in the dress named Ice grinned. "Where are you from?"

Nando smiled. "I'm from pokemon, of course. What about you?"

"Me and the rest of the gang come from West Side Story. It's a movie-musical." He grinned.

* * *

"I can't find my wand!"

"Damn it Harry, just grab a stick or something!" Clair roared. "You're needed on set in two minutes!" She cracked her whip angrily.

"Besides, you're not even explicitly mentioned as holding one for this scene," Yue checked the script.

"Fine," The Boy-Who-Lived groused. "Slave drivers!"

"Remember Phantomness's threat to loan you out to the Walking the Plank crew?" Syaoran pointed out ominously.

Harry turned rather green, but it didn't quite match his eyes.

"Quiet on the set!" Duplica called. "And… start!"

* * *

Nando excused himself and retreated. On the fifth floor, he found a pool. Several water pokemon and familiar characters were resting there.

Lorelei and Agatha were looking over a script while Daisy was practicing Water ballet in a corner. A Lapras and Starmie were racing. Hyena and Jackal were lounging in a spa and sharing a passion fruit juice.

Nando stripped down to his boxers and dived in. After a few laps, he felt much better. Just then, Professor Oak walked in wearing a floral Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops. He poured himself a cup of coffee from the refreshments sand, found a chair, and relaxed gratefully. "Ahhh…"

Nando eyed him warily. He'd seen Oak listed as a villain too.

* * *

"Don't worry," The Oak grinned. "I'm the good half. My evil twin is down in the dungeon. He needs to work himself into a foul mood before the next taping session. Phantomness has him doing a scene with Dudley, and he needs to be prepared."

"I see…"

Over the next few days, Nando settled in. By the end of the week, he and Roselia decided to explore underground. Surely conditions could not be _that_ bad…

* * *

As he checked an empty room, he decided that they were dingier, but still adequately clean. However, the bedrooms were smaller and came furnished with the bare minimum – desk, chair, bed, closet, dresser and two bookshelves. Some characters did not have the bathroom inside, and shared showers and toilets on each floor, kind of like a college dorm.

Several floors down, Nando was reconsidering. He eyed the rooms full of torture equipment warily. Screams were coming from another room, and that was enough for him! No doubt some poor soul was in agony!

* * *

"Phantomness has been cranky since Geocities ate about 100k of her hit counts," Todd the photographer explained, buttering his toast when Nando asked him at teatime. "She's been writing a lot of BDSM to make up for it."

Roselia cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"Besides, you're not allowed to endanger another character, especially not sexually. There are a lot of strict rules about it here, so rape and molestation are a no-no." Todd gesticulated with his spoon. "I am guessing you probably ran into a perfectly consenting couple down there. Since noise bothers people, we keep the BDSM gear underground. The first floor's soundproofed, which is nice."

"People _enjoy_ being raped?" Nando finally managed after several minutes of awkward silence.

"It's not rape if you want it, like they say, you can't rape the willing." Todd grinned, drizzling honey over another slice of toast.

Nando was silent.

"Besides, the whole thing requires an element of trust."

* * *

Lance and Red teleported into the dining room a few hours later.

"Mmm," Red grinned as she poured herself a glass of lemonade. "That really hit the spot."

"This is her fault for making you a nympho," Lance stated dryly.

"Please punish me more!" She giggled.

"Honestly, I'm glad you love me, dear wife." Lance gazed into her eyes. "Not like that Slut! Ash…"

"I know," The Champion reassured. "I won't toss you aside just to get laid or experiment with other people. I'm not that desperate, and I never want to be. I want to have you as my Mate forever and ever."

"Mmm…"

* * *

Nando shook his head as he got into bed that night, and wondered if it was too late to change careers.

* * *

End Fic

Started 7/2/08

Completed 7/5/08

Edited 5/15/09

So, Slut! Ash =/= Ashura/Red

I _like_ Zensho! Misty, she's so adorable! As for the fic, well, it just kind of flowed. At first, I wasn't going to introduce characters from other fandoms, but then I decided, why not? As for Ash from the anime being a slut, I – and many *cough* several other authors I will not name – have been guilty of pairing him with everyone and everything, so… yeah.

So since I needed to keep my OTP pure, I split them. Whee!

Though, Charlotte is fine. Lance and Red are both fine with her watching. ^^


End file.
